Outsider

I've mentioned before about Don Findy being an outsider. I started reading Colin Wilson's 1956 study of The Outsider in fiction; looking at the work of Camus, Hemingway, Dostoevsky and Sartre amongst others.

I like the idea of a character living in a 'world without values' and seeing no point to life. This concept that nothing matters; all is absurd. Of course, Findy does have values, but like the detectives of Chandler and Hammett, they are his own.

Wilson writes,

'The Outsider's case against society is very clear. All men and women have these dangerous, unnamable impulses, yet they keep up the pretence, to themselves, to others; their respectability, their philosophy, their religion, are all attempts to gloss over, to make look civialized and rational something that is savage, unorganized, irrational. He is an Outsider because he stands for Truth.' (Source: Page 13)

This is true in the case of Findy and is why it’s included with his character sheet. It’s something I look at and think about when working on him and his movements.

As a result of reading Wilson’s text, I had a compulsion to write about a different Outsider. Just a piece of text, to see what happened. I suppose I was inspired. It was good writing practice.

Here’s what I wrote;

'My face felt different somehow. Shapes fell from it, ran down it. My mind reached out for things that were no longer there. Inner silence, inner calm, inner loss. I saw a man, it took me a while to recognise him but I knew him, at least I used to. Now I just know of him. He was crying and looking into a glass reflection. His eyes were far away. I was torn; wanting to hug him, clutch him close, warming his body with mine and telling him everything was going to be okay. But wanting to destroy him. Take him apart and leave him there; his limp lifeless body in the dark of the night. Cold. Cold and dead. Cold and dead and complete.'

It’s short and might never lead to anything, it certainly isn’t part of Findy’s story, but I feel it’s essentially part of him. It’s the type of character he is. He often wonders what the point is, he sees life as absurd and as a struggle – in the same way that the character in the text above has lost the ability to care about the association of names (of tears, for example) of things.

And yet, Findy is torn because he knows there’s a contradiction in living when he believes there’s no point.

I began fleshing out ideas of Findy walking around a church near Kim’s house. I recently visited the road, so I could check out what number house the next road looked on and where Findy could park his car and so on. (There’s actually a hotel opposite Kim’s supposed house, which I might feed into the story later – it’s a possibility anyway.) I intend to visit the church next week, to really get a feel of the place and to perhaps heighten my description. The idea I wrote is based around Findy thinking about morality and religion. Trying to come to terms with what is and isn’t right, according to him. It may never be used, if it doesn’t fit in. Even if it was used, it would need a massive rewrite, but it’s useful for getting closer to Findy and his trains of thoughts and beliefs.

'I’ve always thought that there’s something selfish about the belief in a God. The thought that we are special and that heaven is next. The reward. Death is the only gift we earn by living. I could appreciate the work gone into the church I now stood in but it’s made of selfishness. The sucking up to a God in the hope that they will be rewarded, them personally. How can that not be selfish?

I remember when I was younger, I’d always pray. I thanked Him for the trees and the flowers and the clothes I wore, the food I ate and the water I drank. Yet I only ever played my parents up. The true givers of my life, my circumstance.

My hardest conversations have been with the religious. I’m not the type of person to say that they are wrong. All I know is what I’ve seen and what I’ve experienced. And at no point in my life have I felt the actions or presence of a God.

I mean, doing ‘good’ things and living by a book in the hope of a reward. Why can’t these people do this without having that other goal? The thought of doing good now, for the good of itself. Listen to me rambling on, when I do what I do for money. I don’t care about the supposed morals at the back of it, I do it all for money. Although, I can see money. Money is something I believe in.'

And money, is one of the central themes of the book. The main reason he accepts any case, is because of the money. It’s the whole point that he started the business and why he would have probably charged Kim a lot more than he should have. Money is an evil force, which Kim's father (currently only known as The Old man) has and his entire family is keen to get hold of. Toni wants a divorce so she can get a good settlement, Kim wants a divorce so that Toni wont get a share etc.

This reminds me of a quote in the Coen Brother's film Fargo. Towards the end of the film, the policewoman Marge Gunderson is trying to make sense of a number of crimes. She says, 'So that was Mrs. Lundegaard on the floor in there. And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. And those three people in Brainerd. And for what? For a little bit of money. There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don'tcha know that? And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day. Well. I just don't understand it'